Sunday, December 31, 2000

Greetings! I'm writing live, on location, in San Diego, California. Well, I didn't go to the zoo, and I don't have plans to, but San Diego happens to be a really cool city. Who knew, right? There's really a lot to do here. I went to the Gaslamp Quarter one night. That might have been the coolest thing I did. It's just an awesome area. Very alive, very...er.... happenin'. (Ah! Who am I? And why do I use words like that?) But it was also very clean. (That's important too, ok?) But it's nice having so much to do in such a contained area. I'm used to New York -- which I love. New York though is very spread out. Anyway. So San Diego. The weather's perfect. Around 65 degrees all day. (And a foot of snow just fell in New York. A foot!) The Pacific Ocean is amazing. I love the sound of the water. I went to Sea World. I don't recommend it. Touristy, crowded, and I don't really like animals. (Sorry, ok? I'm just not a big fan. I'm entitled to my opinion.) The official report on San Diego (who commissioned me to give the official report?) is that it's an awesome, highly underappreciated city. It's got some cool history too. I walked around this area today called Old Town that's like a preserved section of what San Diego was like around the time of the Gold Rush. Pretty fucking cool. (I think I need to look into expanding my vocabulary.)

So that's San Diego. And I like it. But the problem is, I'd like to leave now. I've had enough. I ache for the chill of New York. Well, not exactly. But it's New Year's. I want to be with my friends. I'm a senior, it's my last big New Year's at home. I've been looking forward to it for a while. And now, after a week of clear, sunny skies, we're all fogged in. My flight was cancelled. My New Year's has been officially ruined. I could try to make the best of it, but I think I'd rather mope, thank you.

Happy New Year's.

:: posted at 12/31/2000 04:31:00 AM | link | | ^top

Sunday, December 24, 2000

I will not whine any more (for now) about the college admissions process. I will merely state that, after an unexpected series of mini-crises, the January 1st group is coming to an end. But, onto things of consequence... heh. Riiight.

For example, let's talk for a moment about bad movies. I'm not too particular with movies -- I love a few, but I like most of them. Those vying for my coveted "Truly Horrible Movie Prize:" Mr. Wrong, The Ice Storm (sorry! I'm not "deep" enough to understand it), Cookie's Fortune, and Drowning Mona. Last night though, another hopeful won itself a spot in the running: I Love You, I Love You Not, starring the why-on-earth-does-everybody-love-her Claire Danes. I did not have high expectations. All I wanted was some nice moments -- at the very least a memorable kiss! Perhaps some decent acting? Ah, none of my small requests could be met. My dear friend Claire plays a stereotypical nerd who loves her grandmother, books, and the cool boy at school. Somehow, her pathetic, self-loathing tale is intertwined ever-so-ungracefully with her grandmother's Holocaust traumas. The script made me wince, and sweet old Claire made me want to throw something at my TV. More than once. I'm not just a bitter moviegoer! Look, E!online agrees with me. And they're professionals. Or something. I must admit I did not finish the film. Perhaps the ending is marvelous, but somehow I doubt it.

On Monday, I am leaving to go to the glorious city of San Diego. Have you ever heard of somebody vacationing in San Diego? No? Neither have I. That's because nobody ever does. Why? Because there's no reason to! Ah, I'm such a spoiled brat. It will be warm. And nice. And I can go to that famous zoo. I'm sure it won't get old, even after the fourth day in a row.
Coming up next...
San Diego: Tales From the Forgotten City

Stay tuned!

:: posted at 12/24/2000 02:45:00 AM | link | | ^top

Saturday, December 16, 2000

I just wanted to post a little addendum to my other post about sleeping issues. I wrote a trite little poem about it, and thought I'd post it:

“Song of Somnolence”

the tell-tale ticking
as the hour hand creeps past 3
ambrosial scents waft in through windows
thrown open:
it is a night fit for the gods

I sit alone eyes stinging
blinded by my blackened thoughts
which build like an ashen residue
three-thirty, then four

when the early light
rides upon the coattails
of the vanished night and the taste of
ambrosia lingers on my tongue
like the sweet memory of a forgotten nightmare

the ticking ceases to be
only when I cease to breathe
so closing my eyes to the
faintest fingers of light
I finally sleep.

:: posted at 12/16/2000 04:12:00 PM | link | | ^top

I haven't posted in too long! This has been quite a stressful time in my life. I am thoroughly convinced that the college admissions process was fully designed and executed by Satan himself. (Not that I technically believe in the Devil... but details, details!) Everybody cares too much, but it's nobody's fault, really. How are we supposed to laugh it off when we've been driven like cattle to this one point for the better half of our seventeen years? I applied early somewhere. I got deferred. (Note: "Deferred" is that lovely word meaning that I'm not exactly good enough to take yet, but also not bad enough to reject right now. Go me!) Some of my friends got accepted. I'm beyond happy for them. Of course, firstly because they're happy and I want them to be happy, but also because, for them, this evil process is officially over. That's it. They don't have to deal with any of this shit anymore. And I think that this aforementioned "shit" is really bad for people. I don't like what it does to the people I know, and I hate what it does to the people I love. It screws with everyone's values system, skews our sense of what's important and what's not.

Who cares? I do, for one. Still though, I was not crushed when I got my deferral letter in the mail; it was what I expected. I did not think for a second that I must be failure, or that I'm not deserving of admission, or that I'm somehow a lesser person because of it. Au contraire! I rather agree with the admissions committee. If I saw "me" as presented on a few neatly typed pieces of paper, I wouldn't take me either. After all, what am I on a piece of paper? Nothing too impressive, I'll tell you that. But that doesn't ruin my sense of self, or make my self-esteem plummet; because "me" on paper is only the smallest fraction of who I really am. Only the people closest to me and me myself have any real sense of who I am. That's why I care about their opinion of me, and that's why I care what I think of myself.

So I'm fine. I would have liked to get in early, to have this all done with and behind me, but the choice was not mine to make. I'll just turn the other cheek and fill in all my other applications like nothing matters more in the world. But I'll know that that's just not true.

:: posted at 12/16/2000 04:07:00 PM | link | | ^top

Wednesday, December 06, 2000

What should I be doing right now? (Hint: Blogging is certainly not the right answer.) If I paid any heed to my physical and emotional needs (hey, that rhymes), I would be sleeping. Many people don't seem to realize:
sleep is so important. I've read that being sleep deprived on a regular basis is worse for your health than smoking. Should I feel like a hypocrite for not smoking for health reasons, while I get a good night's sleep only once in a blue moon and don't show signs of changing my behavior? I, for one, do not get nearly enough sleep.
I am not an insomniac, like many people I know. Au contraire: At almost any moment of the day, even after a large cup of coffee, I can fall asleep within minutes when given the chance. I think my problem is soley psychological. I don't understand it, myself. If I did, I think the problem would cease to exist. I can propose a few hypotheses of mine, but I think only know only a small part of the picture. First, I think I'm too busy. I always have so much to do, and so little time in which to do it, that sleeping away eight hours of the day would be wasteful. So instead, I stay up nights, thinking about all I should be doing, and never doing any of it. Second, procrastination is a big issue. When I have a lot of work to do, there are nights when I don't even start it until some unearthly hour. Then, when I look back on all the daylight hours I had to do it, I feel ridiculous. Unfortunately, I don't learn from my stupidity and the cycle just repeats itself.
Despite the "Certifiably Insane: Official License" I carry everywhere with me, I'd say I'm pretty mentally sound. (Well... mentally sound for a teenage girl -- whatever that means.) This is just one of those things. If I ever seek professional help about anything, I think it will be this.
I am so tired right now.
I'm going to go to sleep.
(Good idea? Yes, thank you.)

:: posted at 12/06/2000 12:40:00 AM | link | | ^top

Sunday, December 03, 2000

Regarding my previous discussion (11/27/00) on the word "nerd" and the extent of my own nerdiness: new evidence has been unearthed to support the claim that yes, I am a nerd. Ahem:
I was on one of my late night/early morning web excursions (evidence in and of itself?) and stumbled across the TellMe Studio, which utilizes the new VXML (VoiceXML). From my painfully limited understanding, VXML is used to, essentially, code websites that are accessed over the phone. Does that make any sense at all? "Websites" made with VXML are coded in a fairly standard format, which woudn't look to foreign to anyone familiar with HTML, and will actually make sense to anyone who knows about XML. The difference is that these sites are not viewed, but heard. Rather than typing in an URL to see the published material, you call a phone number. Content is published and then accessed through the use of standard menus teamed with cutting edge voice recognition technology.
Now this is all a load of techno-babble that I'm far from grasping. The point is, all this excited me immensely! Sitting in my room alone, at some unearthly hour, I actually uttered "Oh, cool!" out loud. Oh dear me. I signed up immediately with TellMe Studio, though I don't know at all what my VXML "site" will be about. Two people I know of publish their blogs with VXML, but mine are really not interesting or informative enough for that. So I'm thinking through some things. I'd like to drop out of school for a few weeks, just to fully immerse myself in all this until I can crank out killer VXML pages like there's no tomorrow. Ay me, the greatness I can only dream of aspring to...

:: posted at 12/03/2000 03:19:00 PM | link | | ^top

Speaking of people:
Dana (*name has been unaltered to extol the incredible*) is an amazing human being. I was talking (in my last blog) about how certain people take my breath away, in the best way possible, just by being themselves. Dana is the first person that comes to mind. And as unlucky as I feel to know Robyn, I feel ten times more blessed to have Dana in my life. I can't believe it when I realize that I've only known her for less than a year-and-a-half. That's barely any time at all, but it's been enough time for her to change my life profoundly. There's a quote that completely makes me think of her: "You make it easy to watch the world with awe." It's so true. Not only does her poetic outlook on life inspire the way I look at things and at people, but any experience I share with Dana is made memorable and special simply because it's shared with her. To know Dana is to see the compassion, maturity, creativity, integrity, and strength that I strive for daily.
Not everyone has the privilege of knowing someone whose very person they marvel at daily. Lucky me!
(After whining about Robyn, I decided I'd rather end the day on a positive note.)

:: posted at 12/03/2000 01:47:00 AM | link | | ^top

So I've established that I'm fascinated by people. But sometimes it's more than fascination -- sometimes I'm just shocked, completely dumbfounded. Occasionally, it's because I meet somebody who's just so amazing s/he takes my breath away. Other times, I just can't believe that someone could be so horrible. Well, horrible's a strong word. I'm pretty good at finding good in most people, but some people have certain faults to the extreme. It's ridiculous.
For example, you don't know conceited until you know Robyn (*names have been unchanged to incriminate the guilty*). After anyone performs something in my acting class, my acting instructor always asks how we felt about it. A normal response is, "Okay/pretty good, I think I should work on.../I was a little uncomfortable with..." Oh, no, not Princess Robyn. She smiles broadly, and, without missing a beat, replies: "Grrreat. I felt so good about that. I thought it was... amazing. That was great." Wuh-what? I never thought real people could be so shamelessly self-obsessed. One guy walked into my class today a little dejected, telling us that he wasn't going to get to go to the college he'd wanted to because he fucked up his report card. Robyn the Brat chirps: "I had the BEST report card ever. My father was practically kissing my feet it was so good. I had a hundred average in almost every class! How incredible is that?" Then she proceeded to recite for us her average in every class, and to marvel some more at her own brilliance. Hey, Brilliant Girl, be smart enough at least to realize how discouragingly people respond to such glaring cockiness. Of course, I'm bitter, because the worst part is that she's doing fairly well as an actor. She gets good work pretty regularly and even had bit parts in two major films. WHY? I grew up learning that character and the way you treat people are so much more important that anything you may accomplish on a more material plain. What I try to remember is that even if she'd had the leading role in five major movies, you couldn't pay me a million dollars to be Robyn. Maybe for a day, but any more, and I'd forget why life was so worth living.
Yes, I think I'll just stay me. (And bitch and moan about and occasionally marvel at all the people I come across...)
Cheers.

:: posted at 12/03/2000 01:27:00 AM | link | | ^top

Friday, December 01, 2000

At last, it's come: my biased, overzealous political shpeel. Or, at least a little rhetoric-spouting, eh?
Actually, it's going to be a micro-shpeel. It's just that for a project on special interest groups, I've been researching groups for and against the legalization of same-sex marriage.
First, I would like to announce that I think crazy right-wing political organizations are, well, crazy. (Took me that long to reveal my stance on the issue.) For example, there is a group called the American Family Association (AFA), who, at a glance, seem innocent enough. Upon closer inspection, the AFA reveals itself to be *gasp!* a group of hyper-Christian reactionaries, whose "homosexual agenda" includes a call for a crusade against the struggle for the legalization of same-sex marriages. The founder and president of the AFA, Dr. Donald E. Wildmon, writes that homosexuality itself "is a sin grievous to God and repulsive to Christians [more...]." Dr. Wildmon also writes that "same-sex marriage undermines the God-ordained institution of marriage and family [more...]." I find these claims not only offensive, but downright ludicrous. Not to get idealistic and mushy (I can't help myself), but there is so little pure love in this society, that I think we should embrace it and recognize it, not deny and suppress it. Not to mention the fact that denying same-sex couples the right to marry tramples basic human rights and violates the very principles of equality and personal liberty upon which this country was founded. Same-sex couples share the same responsibilities as married couples and thus they should share the same rights and benefits afforded to married couples. Because marriage is a basic human right and an individual personal choice, the State should not interfere with same-sex couples who choose to marry. Our government should be ashamed that anti-gay, anti-equality legislation such as the "Defense of Marriage Act" (DOMA) and Proposition 22 (the Knight Initiative) are approved and/or supported, while the slightest legal recognition of same-sex unions is provided by only two states (Hawaii and Vermont). The good news is that thanks to a plethora of human rights organizations (the largest of which is the Human Rights Campaign), most anti-gay groups have been put on the defensive. Groups such as the Freedom to Marry Coalition assure that the fight to legalize same-sex marriage will continue until equality is achieved.
On a rather frightening sidenote, the "elections" that we're entangled in now could prove to be a decisive factor in the future of gay rights and the legalization of same-sex marriage. In this year's presidential debate, George W. Bush, sounding much like a representative for the AFA, said: "I'm not for gay marriage. I think marriage is a sacred institution between a man and a woman, and I appreciated the way the administration signed the Defense of Marriage Act... But I think marriage is a sacred institution." (The ....'s just eliminated his embarrassingly inane blubbering.) Although Al Gore's stance on the issue of same-sex marriage is far, far from ideal, he at least exhibits more tolerance (no great feat when I'm comparing him to Bush): "I think that we should find a way to allow some kind of [same-sex] civic unions." The reason the positions of the candidates on this issue this year is so important is because the next president will be appointing about three Supreme Court justices. Before I started thinking about the importance of this election, I always thought that within ten, fifteen, perhaps twenty years, same-sex marriages would be legalized and recognized nationwide. After all, groups such as the Freedom to Marry Coaltion have gained so much ground recently. However, it is very plausible that whoever wins the presidency will be the one to decide the future of same-sex couples in America, given that Supreme Court justices' terms are for life.
I didn't begin this blog with the intention of writing a novella on the issue; I've rambled for a bit too long, as usual. Goodnight.
P.S. Fine. I'll just say it: I HATE BUSH. (surprise!)

:: posted at 12/01/2000 02:05:00 AM | link | | ^top

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